| If Ellen DeGeneres Came for a Visit
Ellen simply can't be in the marvelous shape she is just from mulching around the Hydrangeas or hanging mega exclusive Larghevedute Hand Made Pink Tropical Forest wallpaper at one of her exquisite abodes. Her secret to keeping firm and strong just might be strength training. You never know. So just in case she ever dropped over, here is how we made our home gym fit for the Queen of Kindness.
We scrubbed, painted and faux finished everything in sight, until our workout area seemed Ellen-ready. To our chagrin, however, a few preliminary sets of Bench Presses made it clear the clanging of the iron weights, sort of in D-flat, might very well upset the sensitivities of a Bench Pressing Ellen. We would never chance a cramp in her usually laid-back self.
After much hand wringing, we called Bruno's Blacksmithery and Tea Emporium. We asked Bruno to forge some new iron plates for us of a more melodious nature. We wanted 500 to 600 pounds of finely tuned iron plates that would tinkle out something appropriate while Elen Bench Pressed, say Debussey's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Fawn.
Bruno proved very rude.
But we couldn't give up. We racked our brains. What would Ellen do?! It came in a flash like a drop of Armando Manni olive oil into a sizzling Le Creuset skillet. SLIPCOVERS! Perfect!
For fabric sans peur et sams reproche, we flew to the Chateau de Marly where 18th Century designer Pierre Lepautre did some of his best work. (What a fabulous place for a little intimate wedding for, say, 10,000 of your dearest friends). We selected an antique Rococo-style silk in the iridescent pastels so beloved by King Louis XV. Back home and a few stitches later, viola!
We're ready, Ellen dear.
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5 BEST THINGS
about your
High School Reunion
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5. That mean girl who always made fun of your clothes in high school has
wrinkled up. You have smile lines.
4. That mean boy who tormented you in gym class has matured into a kindly grandfather.
3. Your favorite home room teacher came to the reunion and is just as sweet and kind now as she was back then when she told you about her own "high school mean girl".
2. It's great to spend time with dear friends, even those you have not seen in years. Life has brought us all a lot of changes, but smiles and laughs always stay the same.
1. You are healthy and strong, and you look it. You have lots of energy to enjoy your family and friends. Life is good.
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